


Diet Coke Etiquette

by lovetheblazer



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Banter, Domestic Fluff, M/M, Marriage, Texting, crisscolfer, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-07 05:12:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5444516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovetheblazer/pseuds/lovetheblazer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Advent Prompt #16: Please write <a href="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CVfgO9xUEAAWaM9.jpg">this</a> with Married!CrissColfer</p>
            </blockquote>





	Diet Coke Etiquette

**Author's Note:**

> Day 16 of the Advent Challenge I'm doing daily through Christmas Eve. Prompts have been anonymously submitted by my followers.

**Darren:**  Really, Chris? Really?

**Chris:**  Good morning to you too, hubby!

 **Darren:** Oh don't try to butter me up with all the husband talk. That’s not fighting fair. You know what it does to me...

 **Chris:**  I can't help it if you have a weird husband kink?

 **Darren:**  ARE YOU SAYING YOU DON'T?

 **Darren:** As your husband, I'm very offended.

 **Chris:**  You know, Darren, it's been 6 weeks since the wedding. You don't have to start  _every single sentence_  with “as your husband.” I'm aware we're married. I was there. The husband part is pretty much implied.

 **Darren:** Man, you're not helping yourself out of this hole. If anything, you're only digging yourself in deeper.

 **Chris:**  So? I love holes.

 **Darren:** That's what he said. *rimshot*

 **Darren:**  Get it, Chris? Like a rimjob. Also a thing that involves a hole.

 **Chris:**  Jokes tend to work better when you don't overexplain them.

 **Darren:**  Aren't you supposed to laugh at all your husband's jokes? Wasn't that in our wedding vows?

 **Chris:** God, no. I would never write anything that cliched.

 **Chris:** Also, this convo is taking place via text, so how do you know I  _didn't_  laugh? You can't prove otherwise.

 **Darren:** There was a distinct lack of hahas or lols.

 **Chris:**  Do you want an lol if it's only a pity lol?

 **Darren:**  I'll take what I can get.

 **Chris:**  lol (but only ironically)

 **Darren:** So in case you're keeping score (like I am) I'm now mad at you for 4 things.

 **Chris:**  Oh really now...

 **Darren:** Yup. In reverse chronological order: 1) lack of lols at my jokes 2) judging me for starting sentences with “as your husband” 3) not having a husband kink like me 4) and most importantly, this asshole of a note I woke up to:

**Chris:** Hey, all things considered, I thought my note was very measured and reasonable.

 **Darren:** Chris, you threatened to cut me.

 **Chris:** Yeah, but like, only ironically.

 **Darren:** Sort of like the lols?

 **Chris:**  EXACTLY like the lols.

 **Darren:**  Well, in that case, problem solved!

 **Chris:** Really?

 **Darren:**  No, I was using irony.

 **Chris:**  Pretty sure it's called sarcasm in this circumstance.

 **Darren:**  Okay, who died and made you the humor police today?

 **Chris:** Sorry, I get grouchy when I'm denied chilled Diet Coke first thing in the morning. And when I'm grouchy, I nitpick stupid things.

 **Darren:** Like threatening to murder me for forgetting to put a new Diet Coke in the fridge?

 **Chris:**  I SAID STUPID THINGS, DARREN. DIET COKE ETIQUETTE IS NEVER STUPID.

 **Chris:**  Besides, I only said I would cut you, not kill you. I was thinking more of a superficial wound. I wasn't planning to go straight for the jugular or anything.

 **Darren:**  Death by 1,000 paper cuts?

 **Chris:**  Something like that.

 **Darren:** Wow, you'd really want me to suffer? Never knew you were so sadistic, Chris.

 **Chris:** Or maybe I just wanted to properly motivate you to never steal the last cold Diet Coke again.

 **Darren:** You are addicted. If they made rehab clinics for diet sodas, you'd totally be their poster child.

 **Chris:** Okay, how about this: you put up with my Diet Coke etiquette rules and I'll give you one thing you're allowed to be inexplicably weird about and I'll follow your rules without question.

 **Darren:**  Like, anytime we play video games you have to let me win? And we'll just call it “PS3 etiquette.”

 **Chris:**  Nope, you reached too far. Something smaller. More reasonable.

 **Darren:**  Um okay, how about you have to make me coffee every morning? And bring it to me in bed?

 **Chris:** But we NEVER make coffee? You usually just buy it on your way to set in the morning.

 **Darren:** Yeah, because not knowing how to work our coffee maker is my secret shame.

 **Chris:**  Darren, we literally just got a Keurig off our wedding registry. All you have to do is put in the K-Cup and push a button.

 **Darren:** Isn't the point of this whole trade that I get one weird thing and you DON'T question it?

 **Chris:** Fine. I will make you super simple, push button coffee every morning. But there's no delivery service involved unless you are going to deliver me fresh Diet Cokes while I'm writing.

 **Darren:** How will I know when you want one?

 **Darren:** (not questioning your idea, just thinking logistics)

 **Chris:**  I'll get a bell?

 **Darren:** I refuse to be summoned via Diet Coke bell. I'm not your butler.

 **Darren:**  Although, as far as sexy role play ideas go, that's not terrible.

 **Darren:**  Not great, just... not terrible. 

 **Chris:**  Fine, I'll text you DC. It can be our secret code for BRING ME DIET COKE, BITCH.

 **Darren:** Sorry, I only come when addressed as husband.

 **Chris:** That's what he said.

 **Chris:** Husband fetishist.

 **Darren:**  Diet Coke fetishist.

 **Chris:** We all have our fatal flaws...

 **Darren:**  Isn't marriage grand?

 **Chris:**  Weirdly, it is.

 **Darren:**  Love you <3

 **Darren:** Even though you threatened to murder/maim me this morning.

 **Chris:** Love you too.

 **Chris:** Even though you are a dirty Diet Coke thief.

**Author's Note:**

> [Share fic on Tumblr](http://lovetheblazer.tumblr.com/post/135362013065/diet-coke-etiquette)
> 
> Read Previous Advent Fics on: [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Advent_Fics_by_lovetheblazer) or [Tumblr](http://lovetheblazer.tumblr.com/tagged/advent-fics-by-lovetheblazer)


End file.
